I look at this picture and see so much sadness and pain. I also remember how tired I was. My prayer was "Heavenly father make this nonsense stop, please bring healing or make it end. My spirit is tired, I feel my soul dying I can handle my hurt and my pain, but seeing my loved ones in such agony over my pain has to come to a stop, Please Father have Mercy"
I wrote it down on one of the hospital's brochures.
I was loosing so much hair my Mom and I decided it was time to cut it, especially after we heard I was going to have surgery the next morning. she walked to the Nurses stationed and asked for scissors. I think I only agreed to it because it made her smile. After being in the hospital for a month I would try just about anything not to see the pain in her eyes.
Feb 2 2012, was going to be a date of change. I felt it, I prayed for it. I had come to the point of accepting what ever outcome and being ok with it. I knew surviving the surgery was going to be risky. I was so weak and my body was so tired. We had come to a point of.. If the surgery didnt save me or kill me the sickness would for sure kill me in a matter of months if I was lucky enough for that.
I tried to smile and be brave. I finally lost it when I saw my husband and my Pastor run through the doors as they were prepping me for surgery. I had said my goodbyes and I love you's. God knew I needed them there just for a few minutes before going in. I needed to be reminded of how much I was loved, Cherished, and Needed.
I remember waking up after surgery.. My first words were "WOW, I made it!" I laughed and realized I was not in pain...... For the first time in almost 9 years I was not in pain. I looked around and saw my mom holding her Bible just smiling. If one thing got me through this was her faith. Even when she was afraid, or worried she would speak in Faith, she would speak God's Truth over me. Even when I didn't want to hear it.
There were a few complications after surgery. which sent me to ICU for a month. Most of the month I was in an Induced Comma. The hope was to allow my body to rest and allow it to heal it self. I had gotten pneumonia. I had fluid in both my lungs. I've seen the pictures they took of my lungs and it shows only about a quarter size area with no fluid in both lungs. I gave it my all to try to get that fluid out. I remember this mask and Oxygen blowing so fast, all I can remember was pain. My heart started to give (it had been fighting for so long). I heard the Doctor tell the nurses " she can't go on like this, she wont make it 24 hrs" . I wrote down "I AM NOT GIVING UP, I'M GOING TO FIGHT" I tried to convey this to my mom and the nurses and allowed them to put me in an induced comma and under go a tracheostomy.
All I can remember after that is Peace, no pain, no worry, just peace like I have never felt before.
I remember the confusion I felt when I woke up. One I was wearing what looked like boxing mittens on my hands. So many beeping noises, and machines. I did see a lot of smiles. Everyone looked so tired. What I thought had been only two days had been a whole month of not knowing.
Once I woke up there were still a lot of questions about how much of my health I would recover. The way I saw it I was alive, it was a matter of getting stronger and we could deal with all the issues then. I spent another month in the hospital for a total close to three months.
I left the hospital on March 16 0f 2012, I had a feeding tube connected to my stomach, I had antibiotics being pumped through a chest port. I could eat some foods but I still had to take it easy. I needed help walking, I still could not go up stairs on my own, no showers on my own, I still had a hole on my throat ( YOU COULD HEAR A HISSING SOUND).
I remember sitting in the car and just crying from Joy. Husband said where do you want to go first? I said "to Church they are having Game night and I want to laugh and play I do not want to go lay in a bed... "
Not sure what was more funny seeing everyone's reaction to me being there or people not recognizing me ( I had not realized how bad I looked lol) .
That following Sunday I made it to Church. I sat in the back trying to not make to much of a distraction. Walking up to the front to get communion was a WOW moment for me. One from where I was sitting it looked so far..... It was important for me to make it there and back. I wanted to show my church family what all their prayers had done. What God had done.......
|Mike(Husband),Me, our God sons Jacob & Hilan Jan 2013|
WOW what a difference a year makes. This year has been such a blessing and I want to thank you for being there to ride this crazy ride with me. The things we have seen have only one explanation "God's Grace".